Author: Regina Cates

My mother taught me to smoke cigarettes.  Of course it was not her intent to do so. But each time she lit up I learned by her example that smoking was okay, even though she told me over and over to “do as she said rather than as she did.”

The problem with “do as I say not as I do,” is that 80-90% of all communication is non-verbal. That means our behavior is vastly more influential in teaching others than our words.

One of the most important things for us to remember is that what to value and how to behave appropriately must be taught. You and I have the responsibility to be a positive example for others of how life works best, especially children, because they learn from watching us. So if we do not intentionally teach them how to behave and what to value they will learn on their own through television, video games, the internet, movies and their peers.  With something as important as values at stake, we do not want to leave their character to chance. One way to be a positive hands-on example is to remember it is our actions that teach.

You and I make mistakes. If you are like me then we do not intentionally intend to hurt people when we make an error. We are not acting maliciously. It just happens that there are times when our behavior is not perfect. Not a big surprise since we are not perfect. Neither are other people.

I believe the majority of people we encounter in daily life who make mistakes are not trying to intentionally hurt other people. So when someone hits our car, or runs a red light just as we’re about to walk across an intersection, or lets go of their shopping cart and it rolls into our parked car, I do not think the majority of people “intend” to do it.

This is important to remember when we encounter challenging situations in life. We experience less stress and upset when we remember that sometimes we make mistakes. Rather than going to the automatic place of “you should have known better,” we take a deep breath and remember there are times we mess up to.

For many years I worried. About my job, relationships, family, the future, of going to hell, other people’s opinions of me. You name it and I worried about it. But worry was like a heavy blanket that smothered the life out of my present. And, not once did anything I worried about come true, or if it did then the outcome was a fraction of the degree that I imagined it would be.

Worry does not control the future. Worry does not prevent life from hurting at times. Worry is a useless activity that sucks the joy out of us.

I taught myself to stop worrying when I started striving to end each day without regret, to not go to bed angry, to control what I can control (me), to prevent what I can prevent, and to have faith in something greater than myself to handle all the rest.

Often I receive emails from people who say, “Regina I just can’t” …do whatever it is they want to do to rid themselves of suffering.  Honestly who says we cannot?  A fearful mind that has a mind of its own. That’s who.  We tell ourselves we can’t and we believe it.

Not once did accepting an excuse (it’s easier said than done, or I just can’t get it together, or I’m trying, or what does it matter anyway, or I can’t …etc.) help me lose weight, stop gossiping, stop smoking, stop cutting myself and others down, stop allowing myself to be mistreated, etc. Excuses did nothing to help me create a happy, responsible, stress-free life. The excuses I made were attempts to justify why I was choosing not to make the changes I knew I needed to. Excuses gave my mind permission to beat me up. Excuses robbed me of my power.

I took my power back to create the life I have when I stopped accepting my own excuses. No, it’s not always easy to follow through and take the necessary action. But it is the only way for me to get from point A, the goal I want to accomplish, to point B, accomplishing the goal.

YES YOU CAN! Step one – stop accepting your own excuses.  Love yourself more than that and make yourself take the actions necessary to reach the goals you set for yourself. There is no one coming to your rescue. YOU must be your own hero!