Author: regina

Through e-mail, I agreed to pick up and return my friend Katherine to the airport. Two weeks before her arrival, something came up that required me to change plans for transporting her back to the airport. Still through e-mail, I assured her I would find someone to give her a ride back.

She arrived and I was there to greet her. After some time together, I confirmed I was unable to give her a ride back to the airport. The news came as a shock. Nothing I said could convince my friend I had sent a second e-mail two weeks earlier; she thought I was lying.

I can be stubborn, and I can be argumentative. But for too many years being obstinate and confrontational did nothing to resolve my conflicts. And clinging to the notion I had to be proven right only added fuel to the fire in the disagreements I had with others. Through experience I learned the most positive action was choosing to overrule my self-centered ego.

It was not easy, but the truth was no matter how much I wanted validation from Katherine, there was absolutely nothing to be gained by arguing with her. Leading with the heart is caring more for friendship than pride, so I chose to let go of my ego’s need to be recognized as right. I did not want to be angry with her, nor did I want our time together to be uncomfortable. The only option I saw to ensure peace of mind was to be patient, accept what was, and allow the situation to resolve itself.

A few weeks after my friend returned home, she was having repairs made to her computer when several mysteriously lost e-mails arrived in her in-box. Among them was the one I had sent.

I do not believe it is possible for us to agree with everyone all the time about everything. I do believe it is possible for us to stay agreeable when disagreeing. And simply because we disagree with someone does not mean that person is wrong.

My friend was also right! She had not received my e-mail before she left. Yet, for many months after returning home, she was distant. She was embarrassed for not giving me the benefit of the doubt. She was upset at herself for allowing hurt feelings to invent all sorts of reasons to justify turning her back on me. She was also angry at herself for discounting my history of honest and loyal behavior. She was frustrated for permitting herself to invent ego-illusions my innocent actions were a personal attack.

In the overall design, you and I are only alive for a very brief period—much too short to waste time holding a grudge or settling for drama, fear, and sadness. When we place more importance on being proven right than we do on our relationships, we have, in essence, donned flowing silk robes and placed ourselves in the middle of a dense rose garden. Life situations and interactions with other people become masses of twisted thorns that rip and tear at the fragile material. No matter how painful the thorns are or how deeply they tear at us, we are uncomfortable shedding the robe of our prideful self-image. Without our egocentric self-view, who will we be?

With pride at stake, we do not stop to question the cost of being right. An egocentric mind does not care about the feelings of friends, family, or strangers. Wounded ego is not content unless the whole world accepts we are indeed right and someone else is wrong. And on the occasions we are the one who is wrong, our ego is not interested in voluntarily confessing our guilt; we are fine remaining quiet as a mouse sneaking off with a piece of cheese.

To lead with our heart, we let go of the need to be acknowledged as right—even when we are. While there may be two sides to every story, there is only one truth between them. Truth has a way of surfacing eventually, making relationships worth much more than egotistically defending our personal pride.

I was standing at an intersection waiting to cross and noticed a young homeless man pushing a shopping basket filled with his belongings. He had a beautiful dog with him. Then I saw an older, well-dressed man approach the young man and kneel down to pet the dog. The young man was beaming. The dog’s tail was wagging so fast I thought it would fly off, and the older gentleman was smiling from ear to ear. When he stood up I saw him hand the young man some money. They exchanged a handshake, and with one last pat on the dog’s head the older man turned and walked away.

When I crossed the street I caught up to the older gentleman and said, “That was a very kind thing to witness. Thank you for what you did.” He smiled. I smiled. For several days after I had a delightful feeling from witnessing such a loving act.

Love is more than a romance or devotion. Love is the state of aligning your behavior with the positive values of heart. Loving yourself and others is expressing behaviors like sensitivity and forgiveness. To love is to be patient, honest and enduring.

Each time you behave positively, regardless of how any other person chooses to act, you are aligned with the higher, wiser part of your being. When you behave in ways that align with your heart you create a life of joy and profound meaning.

When I was 21 I was briefly locked up in a psychiatric hospital. I became severely depressed.  At least that is what I was told I was.  Deep inside I knew my depression was the result of no longer being able to outrun the personal issues I had struggled with all of my life. Without anyone to confide in and nowhere to turn for help I retreated inward as an act of desperate self-preservation.

At the time I considered life too unbearable to continue. So the answer as professionals saw it was to medicate me and slap a variety of labels on my condition. But that only served to further distance me from a real solution to my underlying problem – self-acceptance.

While I cannot speak for everyone I have learned many things about the variety of reasons we get lost in the limitations of our mind. With our lives moving at ever faster speeds we are often too quick to reach for a drug, or to give up on ourselves, or to isolate ourselves in an attempt to cope. For me, healing began in earnest when I stopped looking for answers to repair my heart from someone or something outside me.  As long as I continued to give my power away to other people to fix my life, to accept me as I was, or to validate my existence, my life remained broken.

While one size does not fit all when we speak about moving past depression and traumatic issues, I feel it is important to remember our soul is the force that helps us overcome many challenges we tell ourselves we cannot.  While physical and emotional trials are very real, so is our soul’s power to move us past them. For me and countless others who have taken our power back we simply want to share our experience of how powerful we truly are when we truly want to be.

Recently a man came to my door canvassing for a local politician who is running for state assembly. He spoke for a few minutes about the candidate’s qualifications and handed me a flyer. He asked if he could tell his candidate that he has my vote. I told him I wanted to investigate the man further, to do my own research, so I can make the most informed decision. He then began to bad mouth his candidate’s opponent. At that point I politely but firmly said, “Thank you for stopping by but I believe one of the most important things we must all work toward, whether it is in politics or in everyday life, is to deal with our differences by responsibly striving to reach common ground through behaving in courteous and respectful ways rather than stooping to tearing one another down.”

We are doing ourselves and our society a great disservice by allowing trash-talking as normal with the egocentric rationalizations of ‘everyone is doing it or this is just the way things are done.  It does not feel good to be on the receiving end of or to listen to it, and it causes us to lose focus on the issues ultimately impacting us all.

Honestly, is condoning this type behavior as normal the legacy we want to leave our children? Not if we want them to live in a better world than we are.  We are ones who must demand that tearing others apart who we disagree with or who we want to beat at something, stop. We are strongest as individuals and as societies when we support one another in striving to be people of the best character possible – respectful, courteous, honest, supportive, cooperative, responsible, etc.

Imagine how the world will change for the better when all of us who are followers of any faith or higher belief system join together to treat others as we want to be treated.  Imagine how much better we will feel about ourselves and others. Imagine how we will all begin to heal when we take the negative put-downs, tear-downs and trash-talk out of our conversations.

I trust, like me, you are repulsed by the stagnation and business as usual nastiness within our political system and the election process. I hope you are exasperated by the futility of stubbornly continuing down the same road of two-party divisiveness while expecting unified results. I imagine your sensibilities are offended by repulsive remarks as candidates full of a foolish amount of pride attempt to distract us from their clear lack of dignity and ability to propose tangible and cooperative solutions to the issues we face.

Whether in business, relationships, or resolving our differences, you and I create the most success and fulfillment by regulating ourselves with the principles of heart. We listen to one another to understand and work to achieve positive associations based on respect and team-work. The same is true for fashioning an effective democracy. Without valuing responsibility, solidarity, honesty, and respect, politicians and citizens can easily fall victim to a combative, self-interested, standstill.

Therefore, you and I as citizens have the responsibility to do everything within our power to make certain we do not elect bullies, liars, thieves, and casters of blame. We must reject those who shun personal responsibility, ego-box for sport, and avoid coming to the table with feasible solutions to the issues we face. We must refuse to side with anyone who is comfortable with Washington’s misuse of power, dissention, and its reward of rulers.

To change our nation we must identify and support honorable men and women of personal morality and integrity who encourage principled excellence among their colleagues and constituents. They engage in inclusive dialogue and work to establish cooperative relationships for all stakeholders including those who are least privileged. They appreciate the importance of having a big picture view to design long-term plans of tangible strategic action to achieve shared goals. And, they self-reflect to improve, to assume responsibility for their actions, and to maintain as great a level of operating transparency as possible.

President John F. Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” What we voters can do for our country is be political, by caring to elect qualified candidates who have respectfully and with integrity shown us their principled heart.