In this Episode:
At one time I was obese. The short answer to how I lost the extra weight is, I worked my rear end off through exercise to burn the 220,500 calories necessary to get back down to 130 pounds. The long answer is that before I hit the gym, before I committed to a new habit of eating healthy, and before I could care for my physical body as a daily lifestyle, I had to confront my emotions and why I was stuffing them with food.
When I was a little girl I loved superheroes. In comic books, movies, and flights of imagination, superheroes defended us mortals from villains bent on world domination. They fought for justice. No matter what personal adversities they faced, no matter how big the bribe, they remained committed to exposing the injustices of society. They did so while adhering to moral excellence. They lifted my spirits and sparked my imagination:
What if I too had superhuman powers?
Superheroes are real. They are not only the superhuman subjects of fantastical stories, they are normal people. In fact, we are surrounded by them; they simply look different from how we imagine a superhero should look. They do not wear capes, or have X-ray vision or lightning bolts shooting out of their fingers. They do not stand out in a crowd, because they look like everyone else. They look like you and like me and like our next-door neighbors.
Becoming a real-life superhero is much less dramatic than you may imagine. It does not require being bitten by a radioactive spider, or being caught in the blast of a gamma bomb, or being hurled to Earth seconds before your home planet explodes. You become a superhero by choosing to master yourself through developing a positive sense of purpose for each day, for life, and for how you personally make the world a better place.
Self-love, respect, and inner peace come from learning how to travel through life in the easiest and most fulfilling manner. Finding the path of least resistance requires accepting it is your actions that create your life. Through self-assessment, you identify those aspects of your behavior, beliefs, judgments, and fears that are preventing you from creating the life you truly want.
Confronting your behavior is not nearly as difficult a process as you may believe. Yes, it takes time to be comfortable looking candidly at yourself. At first, what you consider faults stand out under the bright lights of self-evaluation. So you may tell yourself it is easier not to look. Yet, if you do not look at yourself, it is impossible to see what you do like about you. Without self-assessment it is also impossible to identify those aspects of yourself that you do not like but can change.
Getting to the heart of the matter of self-change requires shifting your ego’s focus from the laundry list of what everyone else needs to do to make your life easier to concentrating on what you can change about yourself. To begin moving past your ego’s resistance to change, ask yourself these questions:
Don’t be upset or judgmental if what you discover is disappointing. There was a time I was not the person I told myself I was. Today I am the person I always wanted to be only because I took time to determine what was not right about me.
Only when you know what needs changing can you change your path, so your life changes for the better. Positive change begins by being truthful with you, about you. Intentionally looking within, you reach the understanding of who you are, what you value, what about yourself is going right, what is not going right, and what wounds need to heal.
By honestly looking at yourself, your heart begins to take the lead in creating your life. Your life as a superhero.
In this Episode:
When I was younger I spent much time daydreaming. In school, in church, while watching television, when mom and dad were talking. I was constantly distracted by my thoughts. Needless to say I was not a good student. So while pursuing my master’s degree I genuinely wanted to do my best. I consulted a psychiatrist who, after a long series of tests, diagnosed me with Attention Deficit Disorder. Aptly so, since I was so easily distracted I could not finish reading one sentence without my mind carrying me off to whatever it got distracted by.
There was a time when my focus was on things I did not have. For many years, my glass seemed to be half empty, until I realized I was the one holding the pitcher. I changed my point of view from one of lack to one of gratitude. Through hardship and loss, I began to see life’s glass was actually full to overflowing.
Dealing with physical pain over a long period of time wore me down. After a while, life was dull. I found less joy in daily activities, and the constant discomfort kept me on edge. Every day I woke up focused on the pain. Each evening I went to sleep wishing something would change.
When I received news that my twenty-nine-year-old cousin had been killed in an automobile accident, I experienced a dramatic shift in the way I viewed life. Physical pain turned into a positive sign that I was still alive. It was surprising to discover how much my pain decreased when my focus changed from living in pain to appreciating the life I had.
After being downsized from a job, I faced the daily temptation to just give up. Instead, I spent eighteen months getting up each morning with renewed determination. I became grateful for the opportunity to return to my parents’ home, spend time with them, and help around the house. My father was dealing with bladder cancer. Being able to share these moments with him strengthened my resolve. My lengthy unemployment had a silver lining.
That lining turned gold when I found employment and drove through the gates of Berry College in Rome, Georgia, for the first time. The magnificent beauty of the campus was breathtaking. Its twenty-six thousand acres of trees, pastures, meadows, lakes, streams, cattle, sheep, and other wildlife were magical. I was instantly in love with the herds of small deer that wandered between the buildings as if they were a different kind of student. I was in heaven.
Although I have not worked for Berry College in many years, I am deeply grateful for that job. It was the opportunity that ended my unemployment. What a gift to have worked surrounded by such beauty in my last traditional job.
Gratitude for whatever happens in life—the positive and the seemingly negative—is my goal. For example, I appreciate the blind woman and her guide dog I met one day on the bus. She was smiling and contented as she softly stroked her handsome black Labrador. Thank you, gentle woman, for silently yet joyfully reminding me of my ability to see you, your dog, and our beautiful world.
Gratitude is feeling appreciative or thankful. The state of being grateful is the positive emotional acknowledgment of something you have already or are going to receive in the future.
Being grateful—for a sunny day, the food you have, a job, your partner, your pet, etc.—creates contentment, and appreciation for what you have gives you satisfaction. Being satisfied fills your heart with joy.
When you express gratitude, the act of being appreciative instantly connects you to your heart. Gratitude generates positive feelings: love, compassion, joy, and appreciation. When you focus on what you are thankful for, all stress, apprehension, and upset melt away.
Do you realize that the joy you receive from simply being alive is within your reach? It is true. All you need is an attitude of gratitude.
Slow down. Hug your loved ones. Take a moment to smell a rose. Feel the refreshing wind on your face. Enjoy the song of birds, the sound of water rippling in a creek, and the beautiful glow of dusk when the night creatures begin to stir. The more you find to be thankful for about life, the more life finds ways to appreciate you in return. It is the gratitude guarantee. Enjoy the little things, because the very best moments in life really are free.
In this Episode:
In Cabaret, the 1972 movie based on the hit Broadway play, Liza Minnelli, Joel Grey and cast sang these lyrics in one of the movies most memorable scenes. “Money makes the world go around, the world go around, the world go around. Money makes the world go around, that clinking, clanking sound of, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money.”
Early spring in my neighborhood in Los Angeles is a heavenly time to lie in bed at night with the windows open. The orange trees in front of my apartment building are blooming. Orange blossoms, while fragrant during the day, become intoxicating at night. The sweet perfume wafts invisibly in on the light evening breeze and collects heavily within my room.
For such a powerful fragrance, orange blossoms are actually very small. One sunny day I spent thirty minutes picking up many of the tiny, paper-thin blooms that had fallen from the trees. Seeing them from below is deceiving. Only when I was squatted on the ground did I truly appreciate how little the flowers are. It takes quite a number of them to fill even the smallest package. But I carried on, determined. Squatting and kneeling under my orange trees, I picked up hundreds of blossoms, cramming them into a teeny ziplock baggie until it was bursting. I found a cheerful greeting card, put the sealed package of orange blossoms inside, and mailed it to my mother. With everything my mother has done in life, of all the places she’s traveled throughout the world, she confessed that she had not once smelled orange blossoms.
As I sealed the envelope, I felt the excitement of her surprise at opening the card. Of her wondering for a moment what in the world I’d sent her. Of her opening the teeny ziplock bag, and for the first time breathing deeply, taking in the intoxicating fragrance, the smell of my love for her in the form of orange blossoms.
I’ve learned that acts of kindness provide me deep contentment. Knowing I helped brighten someone’s day makes my heart feel full long after the event itself has passed.
In this Episode:
Life can easily become monotonous. Daily routines become ruts. Ruts become habits. Habits become comfortable whether the habit formed is positive or negative. Doing the same actions over and over, driving the same routes, watching the same television, listening to the same music, eating the same foods also become routine, or a rut, or habit. However I find much of my satisfaction and happiness stems from the new experiences I have that intentionally take me away from the everyday.
In this Episode:
Growing up gay I did not give much thought to getting married. Until recently it was not legal. So when Barbara and I decided to make our relationship official, I had not taken time to sit with what being married to her truly means. Possibly it is because not much will change since we’ve been living together as partners for over 12 years. But, on this wedding eve I am now thinking deeply about why I am eager to say “I do” tomorrow.
Each success we achieve in life is the result of our being emotionally invested in the outcome, to the point that we make ourselves take the consistent actions necessary to create what we want.
For twenty-two years I wanted to quit smoking. My plans were good. Yet hoping to accomplish something did not actually make it happen. After passing up a cigarette or two, soon I’d make an excuse to have just one. Then I would beat myself up for once again not being strong enough not to smoke. Excusing my lack of commitment, I would tell myself I was not perfect, I was only human, with faults, and allowed to make mistakes.
I attempted to change my negative habits for a long, long time, until I realized I could continue “trying” for the rest of my life. Quitting smoking—or any other destructive habit—is accomplished not by trying harder, but by doing. I actually had to make myself not pick up a cigarette until I no longer had the desire to smoke, which took about a month. To stop smoking cold turkey I relied on my personal values of being aware, strong, and accountable. These and other positive values fueled my willpower to not smoke even one cigarette.
Yes, intending to accomplish something is a great first step. Aiming to improve ourselves starts us thinking about the personal changes we want to make or evaluating what career, educational, relationship, and financial goals to set. Yet the statements “I hope to lose weight,” “I aim to be financially independent,” “I propose to be patient in traffic jams,” “I plan to be peaceful,” and “I mean to be successful” still point to some change to happen at a future time.
“Plan,” “hope,” or “I am trying” gives us permission to wait another day. And when given the option, all too often we will not begin any action at all. We will lie awake at night fretting, disappointed and frustrated by our lack of progress, but we will not act. But a small shift in perspective can make all the difference.
By changing the planning statement of “I want” to the present-moment statement of “I am,” we can remain mindful of the negative habit. It also helps us stay emotionally connected to the behavior. For example, “I am losing weight” supports us in being more mindful about eating with awareness and passing up the elevator in favor of the stairs. “I am saving money” prompts us to stop before purchasing yet another pair of jeans in favor of achieving the goal of having money left over at the end of each month. “I am a nonsmoker” really does help consciously break the habit by allowing us to visualize ourselves without cigarettes. I could go on, but I think you get the idea. “I am” is a simple yet powerful positive affirmation that actually motivates us to take the daily steps necessary to accomplish our goals.
To change ourselves or a relationship, we must be willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish the goal. Change won’t happen just by investing a few hours in a workshop, a religious service, or a counseling session. Creating new, positive habits is an entire lifestyle change, and it takes time to replace old habits with new ones. Living changed becomes our reason for being, our moment-by-moment priority.
When stumbling blocks come up, and they will for all of us, do not take no for an answer. Rely on your values to support you in taking the necessary actions over and over until your new, positive lifestyle is securely in place.
You are absolutely capable of making the personal changes you want to make once you stop “trying” and instead do, do, do.
In this Episode:
You and I are impressed with people who bravely stand up to injustice. We consider those who blow the whistle on corruption, irresponsibility, neglect, abuse and practices that harm us, the environment and animals, to be superheroes. But often listening to our own personal whistleblowers is a completely different story. Our prideful and defensive ego is not eager to have people call us on our negative behavior.