Author: Regina Cates

When I was young I was taught there is a hell where we go after we die if we are bad while alive and a heaven if we are good.  As a little girl and young adult I lived in constant fear. The images of people suffering and burning haunted me when I was asleep and while I was awake. I once threw a gum wrapper out of the car window and was certain I was going to hell. I lied to my mom or took $5 out of my dad’s wallet without permission and was certain I would burn for all eternity. Overall I was a good kid who was convinced I was doomed from the start. It was an absolutely horrible way to live.

One day in my late teens I got fed up with living in fear and said, “Screw it! I am already in hell living in such fear and dread.” That day I realized how much of my religious upbringing was focused on controlling me through fear. But that did not make any sense to me because fear never aligned with the loving, supportive, forgiving God I knew in my heart/soul.

So I began questioning everything I had been taught to believe. Yes, there may be an all-powerful source to which I must answer to when I die, but I have not feared it in years. I decided to live each day striving to be the best person possible. Not from fear of punishment or expectation of reward. But for the simple fact that doing my best each day keeps me from living in hell now and that allows me to experience the peace and love of heaven while I am very much alive.

One of the most challenging aspects about caring for others is accepting we CANNOT control or change anyone else but ourselves.  Our adult child is being abused in relationship, or faces jail time, or is hooked on drugs, or cannot keep a job, relationship, etc.  Yes, these things are hard to witness. And no, we cannot make their choices or live their life for them.

Each of us has our own journey in life. That means when we reach adulthood and we stumble, we must choose to pick ourselves up. We cannot do that if someone is there to soften our fall or always pick us up. We do not learn, grow and make positive permanent changes if other people try to do our work for us.

It’s not easy to watch those we care for collapse under the weight of their negative choices. Sometimes we witness this over and over again. But we cannot fix someone. Unless that person wants to fix him/herself, our words will fall on deaf ears and a closed heart.

What we can do is set boundaries to bring a higher level of awareness to the relationship we have with those who are hurting themselves and others.  We can focus our energy on staying centered and balanced so when the people we love decide to pick themselves up and change, we are there to support their efforts. That is why it is called “tough love.” Yes, it is hard and yes, setting boundaries against unacceptable behavior is still love.

Recently a woman told me she can’t change her life because “it’s just too hard and much easier said than done.” I really dislike these and other self-limiting “I can’t” phrases.

Regardless what we want to accomplish we MUST support ourselves and that requires us to remove self-limiting language. We stop and ask, “Why would we intentionally sabotage ourselves before we even get started by allowing ourselves to think whatever we want to accomplish is too hard or not actually possible for us?” We don’t!

I asked what actions she had taken. She said, “I haven’t taken any. I’ve only thought about it.” I asked, “Could it be that it only seems too hard or easier said than done because you have not DONE anything yet?”

Together we made a list of small action steps. Today she proudly informed me, “Regina it’s not true that it is too hard or easier said than done. When I actually started doing I realized I could and that put an end to my thinking I couldn’t. Taking action I now know I CAN. Even when I stumble, I CAN still get back up and move forward.”

I love when we realize we are our own powerful superhero agent of self-change.

At one time I lived in fear; of going to hell, of being alone, of dying, of financial ruin, of being out of work. The list of what I was afraid of was so long it seemed insurmountable. Fear was definitely smothering the life out of me.

One day I got so tired of having panic attacks, of always looking over my shoulder, of waiting for the other shoe to drop, I just gave up and stopped running away from my fears. One by one I bravely turned and faced them, carefully dissecting each one, looking for tangible facts, for justifiable reasons why I should hold onto the fear.

In the end I found very few valid reasons for any of my fears.  Yes, I will die one day. The only power I have is to take good care of my body, to keep myself safe the best I can, and to enjoy each day to the fullest. I prevent financial ruin by being fiscally responsible. And, so forth down the line.

Turing to face my fears was the action that released me from their grasp. I became the powerful creator of the best life possible when I stopped allowing fear to dictate my actions.