Author: Regina Cates

Occasionally people post or send me private emails stating they do not like me, or this page, and that I can go f _ _ _ myself. Shocking I know, and there was a time I took the misguided anger of people personally. Through experience I’ve learned when people communicate things like this it is not personal – they are hurting. They lash out at those close to them, or strangers, or people they perceive to be happy and healed – not believing the happiness and peaceful life they want is also possible for them.

It takes HUGE self-control and yet the best response to people who lash out is kindness and compassion. Unless we are in immediate physical danger, we turn the other cheek and do not react or get hooked into an ego-boxing match. We walk away choosing not to add any more fuel to the fire. We accept hurting people hurt people; until they choose to end their suffering by looking within rather than lashing out.

I was walking my little dog, Ruby, when we approached four high school age young people. As we passed I could hear loud music coming from their ear pods but I did not recognize it or think anything about it. Around twenty steps past the group I heard one of the girls say, “I can’t believe we were listening to that music when the old lady and her dog walked by.”

Old? Who was she calling old? Certainly not me? I looked around for someone my mother’s age (90s) but alas I was all alone. Yes, the young girl had called me old. Wow! This is the first time I am aware anyone has called me old.

When I think about it I agree I must seem old to someone who is 14 or 15, even though most of the time I don’t feel a day over 21. The truth is I am 59 and certainly OLD enough to be her mother and more likely her grandmother.

Isn’t it funny how we see ourselves so much differently than other people do? But, hey – I’m still not old. 

I was 43 years old before I was confident being me. It happened only after I stopped wanting someone else to be my loudest supporter and biggest fan and I started being these for myself.

I was also 43 when I experienced true emotional intimacy for the first time. It happened only after I stopped trying to have it with someone else before I had established it with myself.

And, I was 47 years old before I found my right partner. It happened only after I stopped focusing on finding someone and concentrated completely on being someone worth finding.

I am grateful to have reached these personal growth milestones even if it took half my life to achieve them. The rest of life can be fantastic even if the first half was challenging.

Hang in there because how long it takes is not what is important. Eventually achieving peace, self-acceptance, self-respect and love, is worth each and every moment.

It’s hard watching the news about the passing of Prince. At 59 I know how young 57 is and how much life lay in front of him. We don’t know exactly what happened. In the coming weeks we’ll find out more about the cause of his untimely death. Today we are learning Prince died without leaving a will.

My aunt passed away last year without a will so I know firsthand the additional suffering Prince’s family will go through as the courts decide how to divide his current estate and future earnings. It will take years of possibly heated legal battles. Attorney fees will slowly eat away at his vast fortune. And, maybe a will or trust documents will be found sparing his family this unnecessary additional heart-break.

I know you and I don’t like to think about the end of life but please do so. One of the most important ways you can show love for your family is to have your affairs in order. Please, please, please take time to listen to my podcast on the importance of this subject. Just as Celine Dion’s husband, Rene Angelil did, getting your affairs in order NOW, is indeed a self-less act of love. 

https://itunes.apple.com/…/rys-119-a-self-less…/id935173998…

It used to upset me when people pointed out things about my manners they thought were inappropriate. I did not welcome being told, “You do not listen. You are too impulsive. You are emotionally disconnected. You really need to think before you speak. You are irresponsible.”

The nerve! Then one day my heart was open and I heard what was said. Honestly taking the comments into consideration resulted in a new realization: when I become uncomfortable with, or offended by, something someone says about me, or when someone challenges my actions, it is a red flag, a sign for me to look within.

Instead of getting angry and impulsively shooting the messenger, as I had in the past, I took to heart what was offered. With honest assessment, I recognized the behaviors pointed out about me were true. By responsibly questioning why my ego was pricked, I was able to accept other people’s observations.

Taking their comments to heart, I began focusing on truly listening to other people. With practice I learned how to quiet my mind so I heard what was being said. I concentrated on keeping myself from interrupting or formulating a response while someone was still talking.

Teaching myself to remain connected to someone’s words as they spoke also helped me learn to be a more patient person. I realized that when I am patient I am also present in the moment. When I am present in the moment I am connected to my heart and what I am feeling. And once I had the patience and awareness to think before speaking, it became easier to discern those who were making accurate observations about my behavior from those who just projected their shortcomings onto me.

Today, I work to remain aware of, and connected to, my words and conduct by listening as I want to be heard, speaking as I want to be spoken to, and treating other people as I want to be treated. Yet no matter how closely I pay attention to my thoughts, words, and actions, I am not perfect by a long shot—I never will be, and that’s okay. Occasionally someone still points out something he or she sees about me that could be improved. I voluntarily take the advice. Now I recognize that one handy tool for identifying necessary change in myself is to listen to and appreciate the messenger.

By being open to what others say, we receive gifts in the form of answers and candid observations about ourselves that, if listened to, sincerely evaluated, and applied, will make us better people. And when we are better people, our relationships will be better.